• jump
  • Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? 
    A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
  • Disneyland
  • Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.
  • The Perfect Son.
  • A: I have the perfect son. 
    B: Does he smoke? 
    A: No, he doesn't. 
    B: Does he drink whiskey? 
    A: No, he doesn't. 
    B: Does he ever come home late? 
    A: No, he doesn't. 
    B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? 
    A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
  • good dancer
  • Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. 
    Boy: What are the two things? 
    Girl: Your feet. 
  • second language
  • A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language." 
  • name of leg
  • My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. 
    So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
  • second opinion
  • The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick' 
    The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' 
    The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
  • Next please!
  • Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.

    Doctor: Next please! 

  • biggest lie
  • Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

    The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

    One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

    "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

    The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

  • I'm her mother
  • A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? 
    B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. 
    A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. 
    B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

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